Freaky Five
Daniel 07/16/2012As sports fans, we are always thinking of who would be the best lineup ever.
Heck, we’re arguing about which Olympic Team is better, 2012 or 1992, for crying out loud (answer: Dream Team, duh).
But numbers aside, fans want to watch their team play well. It shouldn’t matter where they shoot the ball from, or how they do it, but the goal should be to put the ball in the hoop while stopping the other team from doing that exact same thing.
On offense, teams may run HORNS, triangle, Princeton, or just PnR all day. On defense, teams are going to line up in man-to-man, play some zone, maybe a box +1 or a Syracuse-Boeheim zone.
But what if you could stop the team purely out of shock? I’m talking about having so many ugly players the other team just hesitates and laughs a little bit.
I present to you the freaky five – with bench players!
Point Guard – Russell Westbrook
The red glasses clinched my theory
Now, he isn’t exactly ugly. He just straight up looks like a Ninja Turtle. One of the happiest days of my life was when Derek Fisher – one of the other NBA Ninja Turtles – signed with the Thunder. Scott Brooks even played them together – radical dude!
Career averages – 19.0 ppg, 6.8 apg, 4.7 rpg, 1.6 spg
Shooting Guard – Latrell Sprewell
The face of competition
Not only is Spree totally insane – choking coaches, trying to feed his family on a $27 million contract – but the guy tried to integrate dreadlock-pigtails into the NBA.
I really wanted to put Martell Webster on here, but he hasn’t done enough crazy stuff to qualify, and he’s normal looking when his hair is cut.
Career averages – 18.3 ppg, 4.1 rpg, 4.0 apg, .33 3-pt shooter
Small Forward – Kyle Singler
The next Kaman?
The Oregon native played Spanish League basketball during the lockout after graduating from Duke. He had a successful career at Duke, and he’s got basketball IQ. He has played well in summer league, averaging 10 points a game.
But he’s going to have to start trimming down that hair or else he’ll stay on this roster for a while. The long, sweaty hair look just is too bad to pass up.
We do know that he can make buckets - he has one of the best trick shot videos since Bird and MJ fought for McDonalds.
Career averages (college) – 16.2 ppg, 6.9 rpg, 2.0 apg, 1.1 spg
Power Forward – Dirk Nowitzki
We remember ’09 Dirk
Nowitzki is one of the best scoring power forwards of all time, and would be the focal point of the offense if Westbrook would give him the ball. That one-legged fadeaway? Plain filthy. I have my own crippled, 6’1″ version I use on the playground, and no one blocks it there either. He can even drop them in using that shot from behind the arc.
But the long flowing locks aren’t working. It gets worse if he starts singing. He could teach Westbrook a thing or two about podium behavior though. Nowitzki grabs the mike and rumbles through questions like a true veteran. Plus he’s a world champion!
Career averages – 22.9 ppg, 8.3 rpg, .380 3-pt
Center – Chris Kaman
No words necessary to describe this pick
You knew it was coming! The heart and soul of the squad!
If this guy showed up to deliver a pizza, I’d make him stay in the car.
He does have basketball skill, but wow does he scare me.
What makes him even more valuable is that he played with Dirk on the German national team – and they’ve recently joined up again in Dallas!
A frontcourt that truly complement each other.
Career averages – 11.9 ppg, 8.3 rpg, 1.5 bpg, .483 FG%
Bench players – Sam Cassell, Joakim Noah, Dennis Rodman, James Harden
That is a strong bench of retired players. Noah and Rodman would grab every single rebound, and this team would constantly get the ball back.
His middle name is not Elliot
Cassell was a veteran point guard who made the correct play time after time. It seemed like he was always able to knock down a free throw when it really mattered as well.
Career averages – 15.7 ppg, 6.0 apg
Joakim Noah has athletics in him blood – his father is a successful tennis player. But nothing would cause my feet to slide more than Noah scrunching up his face and barreling down the lane towards me.
Career averages – 8.9 ppg, 8.6 rpg, 1.3 bpg
This picture greets you on his website
Dennis Rodman goes by the Worm. He dressed up as a woman. He married Carmen Electra - what? He won rings with the bad boy Pistons and the MJ Bulls. Not only does he provide freak to the team, his defensive versatility means that he could play the 3 or the 4, helping keep Singler out of foul trouble. Why isn’t he starting over Singler? He doesn’t start because, well, for the same reason James Harden doesn’t start.
Career averages – 7.3 ppg. 13.1 rpg, 4.8 offensive rebounds per game
Fear the beard
James Harden has finally achieved beard glory – more glory than Baron Davis’ beard. I’m a big fan of his game, and believe he will have a very successful NBA career. His mohawk-beard look is one of the best looks in the game, and it compliments his ability to drive the lane with the ball glued to his hands. Harden’s role on this team is the same as his role with the Thunder – come off the bench and score. Three years in he’s done that well.
Career averages – 12.7 ppg, 4.6 rpg, 3.3 apg, .370 3-pt %
Futures – Nerlens Noel, Anthony Davis, Norris Cole
They just have great hair, or in Davis’ case, an excellent brow. The future of this team. If you aren’t familiar with Noel, look him up. He’s the next great player to go to Kentucky, and he has an awesome head of hair.
What do you think of the team? Leave your comments below on who you would put on the team.
